i just want someone to make me feel special

I really dont want to always write about something negative, but blogging is the only thing I seem to be able to do when I am sad. that is y I guess I only blog when I m very stressed up and upset.

well, for ur great 'surprise' it is the same issue again.. I hate him.
I have no idea y do I always get upset, for every little thing that he does. I just cant seem to see him happy with someone else. I know this is ridiculous. The fact that he is such an asshole makes me crazy and I just feel like slapping his face the very sight he smiles or talks to a random jerk.

Honestly, y is it that I am always ignored and fogotten when anybody finds a new person? I always feel like, ppl approach me only when i am needed. otherwise, i am forgotten. y ?

This is not the first time and he is not just the only guy who makes me feel that. so many ppl have made me feel like that too. so, this can just be his problem..I guess there is something wrong with me. There must be a big lable 'USE ME WHEN NEEDED' sticked on my forehead in bright neon colours, which is only invisible for me. everybody else could see it i guess..but only me. but since the signs are showing off now, i guess my other senses, apart from vision, has sense it and it hit me hard really hard..

So many ppl have asked me if I like him.. but the honest answer is NO. y would i like him? i noe all his shitty stuffs and he is not even good looking(I am not the type who goes for looks) but you see, if the character fails at least I could have fallen for the look right ? but in his case..NO. So what is going on?

As I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, I realize it is because he is not treating me like how he used to teat me before. I am not special for him anymore. It hurts to know that. and I really miss those mommets dearly, so well, that is y I guess..

g-o-i-n-g d-o-w-n

I m feelin’ very down. I was all fine at one moment and suddenly, I m feelin’ so down. A few question popped on my head from yesterday’s convo with a fren of mine who said we all need a best fren. He said dont ever loose them and treasure them for life. Do I have a fren like that? Will anyone think of me like that ? I am just regular person with nothing special about me at all. I laugh stupidly, I m not very bright, not beautiful and really I m so not the ‘one of a kind sort of a person’. I m just a very normal, very plain and a very very boring person. He also did mention about love, and yes I hate when anyone talks about it. I don’t have much to say. I’ve never ever fallen in love and don’t have the slightest idea of what love is all about. Yes, I have watched millions of movies and read even more books than that but nothing is like experiencing it for real right. I don’t want to just experience and be done with it. I want to also treasure the relationship for life. I am not getting any younger and I will not be able to pause and return back in time to get back wat I missed. But at the moment I feel like my life is boring. I am always the one who would fall in the ‘she wouldn’t know about it’ category’. What is going to happen to me? Is that all about me? Again, nothing special, nothing extraordinary? What the hell am I suppose to do ? I don’t want to be alone…

And yes, it seems like every time I get a little close to someone, there will be somebody who wouldn’t like it. Why is that so? They will bug about it till I m not very close to that person anymore ..again..Y is that so? Y?y?y?

stupid gal-even more stupid boy

Let me a share an old tale..once upon a time, a girl came from quite a far a away place to this new town and she met this boy. NO, it did not get any cheesy..they just became good friends. They meet each other every day not like a date sort but it is plainly because they were working together. One day, the boy got a girl friend. She is like the talk of the town and of course like every other guy, the opportunity was too good to resist. He was in could 9 and hey, y are we only talking about the guy now? Wat about the girl? The one we talked about way earlier?? Well, like everybody else, he forgot her. He did think about..very liltle, only when he needed her. Now, we are getting somewhere aren’t we? One day, while the girl and the boy were talking, accidentally the girl said something about the boy’s girl friend. She said it in a very casual manner but the buy took it very seriously. The issue was not even big but since they boy shouted at her for talking about her gf, the girl was very offended. She could not believe that her good friend actually shouted at her like that for a small issue, something in her own opinion not an issue at all. Not only that, he actually ‘published’ this incident publicly but of course, he did not mention that person’s name and he think it is perfectly alright to do that. Now you tell me, if u r in da boy’s place what would you do? and if u r in gal’s place wat would u do? It sounds like a very lame, everyday story rite, but it is not. The gal was really very hurt, really hurt. I think it is da fact that she liked da boy so much and she could not accept the fact that he actually shouted at her, da person whom he knew longer for a gal who just newly came to her life. But then again it is all fair in love right. he loves his gf..but the gal, is just another fren. Well, that is it I guess…she could not forgive him and he does not seem to be bothered. Anyways, life has to go on right 

???

i m confused..sad.. and at times i do get angry.. and yes i do really laugh hard at silly jokes...
NO NO..i m not having PMS...
i get angry for something really silly...
for instance, my friend didnt want to share something with me cuz she said i might share that piece of info with the person who is involved.
oh god ! when will u all realize that i am not leaking out the info but amending the problem ! i have my own brains..i noe wat to do..wat is right and wat is wrong..
and honestly, my brains works very well..u dont have to judge me..i noe myself very well..HAIZ..


and i am cool about something major..
for instance, a freak i noe is always boasting about herself and about the shit the person is going through at all times. she tends to repeat the same crap again and again and again and again AND ...............!!!!!!
i mean when will that idiot learn that, there is no such thing as 'undo' button in life?
if u have done something shitty..and u r regretting about it means...DONT REPEAT IT AGAIN !!
wat is so cool about boasting about it and admitting that u tend to do it at all times and bla bla bla...
i've got a life..so pls, u dont have to share urs with me..i m TIRED of hearing it !

OK back to da point..i may have sounded angrier with da second scenario but i think da first issue had a bigger impact on me then da second one..cuz well i m always hearing da same crappy stuff again and again whereas the first scenario is quite alien to me QUITE ..

for da time being...my mood is swinging ***up***down***up***down****up***down**

Trying....

Well, this may seem stupid or even ridiculous but then again, wat else am i suppose to do then to just express my feelings if not in blog like this? I can’t just let it go and ignore it. Again, for the millionth time, i have made my mind to ignore Blue. This is not because i gt no better things to do or wat..But it is simply because i really don’t want him to treat me like that. He hurts my feelings in every possible way. Usually i m not really the type who will care much if someone is very rude to me. I wouldn’t give a damn about it and of course the person will have to face the consequences. But in his case, i get very hurt, and i couldn’t just let it past. Something which he says or does hurts me so much, that at times i will like k****** him ! Is it so difficult to call and talk for at least a minute just to ask how I am without expecting anything? Is very difficult to msg me once in a while? Who am i helpline? Who is always on the gear to help u when u need me and for that u will ignore me till u need my help again?

But of course, it is very easy to discriminate my status, my colour, and so many other things. Have he ever thought how much that will affect me? Is it really very funny to talk about it and to tell everyone around me about it. You tell me...did I choose to be like this? I am all fine with who i m, so y u bother about it. Can’t u just give me a break? Hence, i came up with a solution, which is to ignore him for good. I don’t want to get hurt..Anymore.

bye bye butterflies :-(

haha !!
u noe wat...i wanted to 'delete' that feeling rite..i tried and tried..
the butterflies were there..but guess wat ??!! before it flies any higher in me....it vanished !!! TADA !!
how?? well... someone else gave butterflies to the person who gave me da butterflies..
so...yea...
there goes da butterflies..

u noe it is kinda funny..in a sad way...
that the person i like will always end up as my very good fren...really good fren..and i will start giving them advises about their love life..haha !! can u believe it !!
me..me me...!!! of all the ppl on earth..

it happened again this time too..
he gave me da butterflies..and he killed it too..

delete delete go away !!!!

well, after s long, i m having some butterflies here...in me...but..again and again...
it is so obvious that, i m repeating the same mistake !!!
i so dont wanna go into this thing cuz i noe, if i m really in it, i will not noe how to come out of it easily..and well so obvious that things will not work out..i mean ..haiz..nvm..
so my current mantra is 'delete delete go away !!'
but how long will i say this same mantra gain and again...
how long more??
i tell everyone to pursue wat they feel like doing..but in my case, i just ignore and wait..is it so??
i m not following my own principals..i m going against it !!
wat the hell...this is so not me !!

honestly, at the rate i m goin, i might end up in my lala land forver and ever..
when wil my dreams come through??

for goodness sake...( i dont wanna repeat my old lines again....) but yea, *sigh*

im waiting for something, i don't know what im waiting for exactly but i guess ill have to wait and see what exactly i am waiting for..